They Did Their Best (But They Didn't)

Misery loves company.

That's why they had kids.

Raised in a home that made you feel undeserving, worthless, and not a priority.

Your thoughts reproduced that environment because it's familiar.

Your siblings were your first bullies.

Enabled by your parents.

"Harmless" teasing turned into self-sabotage.

You go to an event with your sisters and mom.

You sit down at a random spot at the table.

Your seat is marked with a flower.

Little sister huffs and puffs.

Mom rushes to move you to avoid her tantrum.

Pushed out of the way again.

Sister delights in winning a prize for sitting at the seat with the flower.

You watch quietly.

Middle child.

Nothing you can do.

"I would never say anything like that to my daughters."

No need to.

"You're not fat; we would let you know if you were."

"That looks skimpy."

"You need serious help."

"Church is for people like you."

Treated like a lost cause.

Growing up unseen.

Don't bother them.

They don't get paid to take care of you.

"Suicide is selfish."

They're still unavailable.

They interpreted your untreated anxiety disorder as defiance.

"You're going to be a bitter old woman."

"You're so antisocial."

"You push everyone away."

"People want to get to know you and you just shut them down."

I didn't know why there was so much wrong with me.

"I'll show you crazy."

I just want to be understood.

"Don't like it here? Live somewhere else."

Live someone else to be cared about.

The same person who'd complain about money after you say, "I want nothing for Christmas."

"I spend so much money on you."

"You should be grateful."

"You're so rude."

Hands-off until you did something wrong.

"They're giving you weird looks."

Minimize your pain.

"You're so dramatic you could be an actress."

Maybe I could.

You're not suffering enough to deserve understanding.

You can't possibly feel sad.

Rewrite your experience for others' comfort.

Don't go to therapy.

"Talking about the past makes you relive whatever happened."

"We're private people."

Can't have anyone knowing how you treated me.

It replays in your head.

It still hurts every day, talking about it or not.

You still need help.

"I love you."

"I care about you."

You never felt it.

"I want a good relationship with you."

What changed your mind?

Why now?

They make you feel unsafe confiding in them, then decide what you're upset about.

"Background in psychology" my ass.

"Don't let them walk all over you."

Oh, like you did?

Food, water, shelter, gifts.

The perfect replacement for emotional connection.

"I would go to the ends of the earth for you."

But you wouldn't.

"They did their best."

But they didn't.

What are things someone close to you said or did that shaped how you view yourself?

I wrote this poem on October 12, 2025, exactly one week before a painful experience that made me decide that I didn't want to be consumed by negativity anymore. I realized how poorly I've treated myself, and by extension, those I love, and I am paying dearly for my failure to nurture my relationships and mental health.

 I have believed for too long that other people's views of me are how I should view myself. I want this poem to prompt you to reflect on what labels other people have put on you. Maybe it was someone's reaction to how you dressed. Or how they treated you. What opinions from other people (including people you trusted) did you adopt as your own? How did you view yourself as a result, and how do you want to view yourself now?

I share this poem to recount my honest, subjective experience growing up and for my future self to see how far I've come. Despite 12 years of mental perturbation and ideations, I am still here. It truly is time for me to start living, not reliving painful memories.

-Thoughtra